Messages From Carrie
A Door is Just a Door
January 6th, 2010
"Everyday you choose whether you will step closer to your spirit or away from your spirit." Thich Nat Han
“ You either choose to go through the door or not go through the door. The door makes no promises, it is only a door." Adrianne Rich
I started the day looking at the world in a certain light. By evening I saw things differently. Yesterday morning I took my regular walk in the woods with my two dogs. It is a simple thing, to walk a dirt path trough an Indiana woods. It is a simple thing to love a dog. It is an uncomplicated love. I adore you, you adore me. Love is love with a dog.
Love is simple.
People are complex.
I found myself appreciating how my dogs live so wonderfully in the moment. As far as I can tell, they do not worry about whether there will be another walk in the woods tomorrow. They do not worry about the quality of yesterday’s walk. They do not harbor regrets of walks they wish they’d taken or resentments for walks they felt entitled to take and yet did not experience. They are going for a walk today and that is good. They run excitedly up the steep incline to the ridge top and thrill to each scent that calls them to follow. They chase a grey squirrel up a tall tree, barking as if just saying, "come on down," might entice the critter to stop chattering and sending Morris code messages with silver waves of it’s trembling tail and come down. Anyone who has had a close relationship with good dog knows they deeply understand delight and disappointment. A dog can rejoice and a dog can most definitely grieve. A dog can be embarrassed or shamed. They understand fear and they can be comforted as well as provide great comfort. But they do all of this in the moment they are living it. They give love without reserve unto their own dog fashion, which may show up in wet kisses, a head bump to the leg, or occasionally some unnamable part of something found in the woods laid proudly at my feet, with a look that says, “This wonderful smelly thing is for you, because I love you, AND because I love you, I gnawed only half.” But today, in a very undoglike fashion I found myself looping old scenes and replaying conversation that did not happen. I was finding it hard to stay present. This is a usually a sign to me, this looping of events or conversation, that something needs to be healed, resolved, or let go. Sometimes I need to engage directly with the person or persons involved in the story. Sometimes it is inappropriate to speak directly to that person, or that person is now gone from my life, and the healing or letting go must happen entirely within. I’m not sure which is harder for me, to brave a difficult confrontation or to resolve what has not been resolved entirely within myself. But either way, the looping and difficulty with being present is an indicator of a need to step back into my life and step closer to my spirit. I is an indicator that it is time to stop trying to explain, justify or rework,and accept what is and go from there.
So my task today is to take a lesson from my dogs. To enjoy the walk as I walked it. To not allow my mind to be lost in past or future experience. My task today was to stop mulling the past or some imagined future, to stop walking in circles in the same old room and step through the open doorway into the present. I needed to stop believing that if I just looped the scene enough times, that somehow it would turn out differently. I needed to let go and move forward. I needed to walk through the door and see what is on the other side. Walking through a door doesn’t always mean immediate healing or health; it doesn’t promise I’ll feel better. It does mean that it will look different on the other side. Letting go is often not easy, but it is honest and it is the next step. The door makes no promises, it is only a door. But I chose to walk through it and choose to step closer to my own heart. The world itself did not change so much. But how I saw it did, and that made all the difference.